July 9, 2002

I usually don’t write or even talk about my past but today, due to things that have come up this year, I feel it is time. I am a very honest person, and will only speak the truth. I am one who forgives, but never forgets for fear of being hurt.

8 years ago, wow it seems like yesterday but at the same time I feel like so much has happened to me (for the good). If you know me, you know that I was a mere 17years old, working full time at Toni & Guy, had already been enrolled full time courses at Richland college for 1year and living with my roommate Jeff. 8 years ago today, Jeff took his own life and left me & many friends and family asking why? I lived with a lot of guilt after that, I had to begin searching for meaning in my own life, starting completely over. I lost alot friends, kept the true ones, and gained some wrong ones. It was the hardest thing I have ever pulled through. And it was greatly due to persistent encouragement from my parents, no matter how bad I was messing up. I decided that January 1st 2003 I would move to Austin. In Austin I had a wonderful family away from home at the Aveda salon I worked at, and a lot of healing happened during that time. I also partied pretty hard though….. In 2003 while living in Austin, I decided I wanted to be a social worker “healer” after taking an intro to social work class. I returned to Dallas, having earned few credits went back to Richland and living with my parents. In 2004 after 2 years on anti-depressants and therapy I realized that no matter what people said, Jeff’s suicide wasn’t my fault. I was only the “icing on the cake” of a bomb that had been ticking for a very long time. I no longer ask “Why,” but over the years have drawn my own conclusions and had speculations about Jeff having taken accutane for two years. That same year the congressional committee released this (http://www.rense.com/general32/scu.htm)
That fall 2004 I started at UNT, and graduated with my Bachelor’s in Social Work in the fall of 2006. It is hard to believe all the good things that have happened to me since then, after such a horrible time in my life. I am at such peace in my life about my past, and having moved forward, with few minor bumbs in the road, I am so happy today with the way things have turned out. I feel sorry for those that make assumptions about my life, my past because for me it is easy to decide that they will not be involved in my family’s future.

From the wise words of Dr. D, “In thinking of my own life I have grown to realize that life is such a fast moving train and have no regrets for what I have done. Maybe for what I have not seen coming and those that will be left behind….but not for what I have done.
Healers heal….this is what we do. And when our time has come to an end we move on and do what comes naturally “heal” again. The beauty is in healing others we can heal ourselves….but sometimes we need a little help from our friends.”